Now you can see why lying may be the more attractive option for your partner. The good news is that you can do something about this by changing your reaction to the truth, even when the truth might leave you feeling disappointed or angry. Begin by letting your partner know that, regardless of the situation, you would always prefer to know the truth. Then, when your partner tells you the truth, respond to it instead of reacting emotionally. Calm down and think about the situation.
Thank your partner for being brave enough to tell you the truth. Then begin talking about your feelings in a way that is not hurtful or offensive, so your partner can truly listen and understand your point of view. Your reaction to the lie. Think about the last time you realized your partner had lied to you.
The trust among them has been broken. Tim is going to need to address the little white lie with Jill because it has made him feel like a big fool. Another type of omission lie can occur when one partner makes an assumption about something, and her partner does not correct the incorrect assumption.
Arlene and Jane have been together for a few years. But Arlene knows that Jane is the jealous type and does not want to stir up trouble by telling her that she is having drinks after work with a few of her old girlfriends. When Jane comments that Arlene must have a lot of work on her plate since she came home late, Arlene just lets the topic go.
Lies of omission may seem like little lies, but unless the stakes are very low, they can be just as dangerous as lies spoken outright. Sandra dreads the weekends. He is loud and she finds his frequent body pokes and off-color jokes irritating. She hopes to find the courage to say something soon before she combusts. With every passing weekend, she feels the lies are piling up — she is not a happy football wife. However, she fears that by telling him that she will pit the brothers against one another and destroy their close relationship.
These lies are often called buffering lies, or those meant to avoid conflict. But what does this mean as far as relationships go? It usually means that a couple does not have the communication skills to discuss the things that are happening in their relationship. Instead of Sandra telling her husband that she feels taken advantage of on Sundays and that she feels uncomfortable around her brother-in-law and why, she bottles everything up and feels more and more discouraged and unhappy.
Soon, those things may manifest themselves in unpleasant ways when least expected. These can range from well-intentioned and benign to a deliberate attempt to cause pain. Reasons for lying might include:. While it can be helpful to know some of the typical signs of lying, it's also easy to misunderstand such behaviors. Since detecting a lie is not always easy or straightforward, don't count on these signs to identify lying. It's possible to mistake nervousness, distraction, or lack of eye contact for lying, This may result in misreading or mislabeling your spouse's behaviors.
Nonverbal clues to lying can be difficult to spot and vary from individual to individual. Scientists even have conflicting views about this topic. Some researchers state that eye movement is not a good predictor of lies, for example. Some lies may seem harmless, and the occasional lie is probably inevitable especially in the case of white lies or lies of omission. But even little, infrequent lies can add up to distrust and other relationship problems. If you suspect that your spouse is being dishonest, there are steps you can take to respond with compassion for both your partner and yourself.
Some experts believe that the sooner the cards are all out on the table, and the sooner honesty is lived out once again in a partnership, the better. However, you may also consider waiting until you have discovered more information and facts before confronting your spouse with your suspicions. Only you know what is most comfortable for you and what is best for your specific situation. Whether or not you forgive your partner for lying is a highly individual choice that may depend on their past pattern of behavior as well as how much harm was caused by the lie.
Similarly, only you can decide how much lying is acceptable in your relationship. Certainly, it is more difficult to forgive a spouse for infidelity than it is for lying about going to happy hour with coworkers. Keep in mind, however, that holding a grudge can chip away at your well-being and relationship, so do your best to communicate your hurt and eventually accept the lie. Forgiving your spouse doesn't mean that you condone the lying or hurtful behavior.
If you are struggling with problems caused by lying in a relationship, consider marriage counseling. Even if your spouse won't go with you, talking to a marriage counselor can help you come to terms with the lying and help you let go and forgive so you can move on.
For example, when your partner shares honestly and with integrity with you and you attack them or shame them, they will inevitably think twice about being honest in the future, thus leading to increased deception.
Are you being reactive instead of responsive? Are you being a martyr? Acting above? Playing victim? Truth telling is a collaborative process , so always stay AWARE of your participation in what goes on in your relationship. Explore this, meditate on it, discuss it, play with it, reject it, embrace it, and notice. Notice how you react and respond. Come clean with grace and generosity. When you become aware of a place in which you have not been totally honest with your partner, do not rush into confession.
There is an art to everything, confessions included. If you are going to express a difficult truth, give your partner a loving heads up.
This is not advised! It is as if you hit your partner with two arrows instead of one, stinging them once with your news, and second with the selfishness of your delivery. You can also experiment together. Then take turns! Give this platform a try and see if it eases or shifts any stuckness in your communication patterns.
Truth is a process and the key is to build a culture of truth telling in your partnership- Nobody is totally honest all of the time, but if you can start talking more openly about how to give and receive honesty before the nitty grittys come crawling out of the closets, the monsters from under the bed, those once upon a time white lies get revealed, it will make all the difference in the world.
The more hiding you are doing the less vibrancy and energy is available for the relationship and for your life.
Reposted with permission from Neil Sattin and the Relationship Alive podcast. Pete has been training and coaching couples to become a strong team since when he co-founded The Couples Institute with his psychologist wife, Ellyn Bader. Need help. Losing all my friends over my lying.
Everyone now know I am not honest person. Lying is a choice. Lying destroys trust. Our therapist says that lying is abuse. If you can not stop lying than you are an abuser, and should seek help to stop abusing people. Own your mistakes. Good luck. I want to say a very big thanks and appreciation to Robinson. I pray God almighty give you the strength and wisdom to help more people having similar problem like mine. I lied to take the easy way out of relationship and begin a new one.
That lied carried into my new relationship and imploded. I now have lost all trust with the one I truly care about and working, hoping to get them back. The first step was admitting the truth, not to just them, but to myself, that I made these lies and I need to be more honest with myself. Telling myself that I need to change who I am, and I am working on that.
It reads in this article not to rush into confession and the healing process, that is so true. The second struggle is keeping emotions in check when your character, your intentions in your lies are questioned.
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