BeWell writer Katie Shumake recently spoke with Carole Pertofsky , MEd, director emerita of student wellness services, about why we're prone to self-criticism and how we can cultivate self-forgiveness.
Fred Luskin explains in his book, Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness , holding onto resentment and being unforgiving increases our stress levels and takes a toll on our well-being. The good news is that we can learn skills to become more constructive and effective in accepting and rectifying our errors -- and, in the process, grow as individuals," Pertofsky said.
We can learn and mature through mistakes, but we've been taught that if we don't criticize ourselves for our failures, then we won't take responsibility for ourselves or cultivate discipline.
The reality is that this belittling mindset sabotages our efforts to lead fulfilling, meaningful and happy lives. Our tendency to be critical of ourselves may be rooted in our genes. Early humans depended on each others' contributions to survive. If someone made a mistake, it could spell hardship for the entire tribe. Despite living in modern times, we are still hardwired to be vigilant about making mistakes. Temperament can also affect our level of self-criticism. Some people can be troubled by events that would not bother another person, and others are more prone to exaggerating small mistakes into huge crises -- a tendency called "catastrophic thinking.
Research has shown that those who practice self-forgiveness have better mental and emotional well-being, more positive attitudes and healthier relationships. A related outcome ties self-compassion with higher levels of success, productivity, focus and concentration.
In comparison, those who are highly critical of themselves are more likely to experience significant negativity, stress and pessimism. Pertofsky says that mistakes can cause us to feel guilt and shame; however, the two feelings are different.
Guilt occurs when we behave in a way that we regret, which can lead us to constructive course-correction and help us become more deliberate in our thoughts, words and actions. Shame arises when we feel our very being is under attack and makes us feel demeaned, undeserving and lacking. In a professional setting, shame may cause us to feel we aren't good enough, leading us to become competitive or isolated.
This requires some insightful thought and real honesty with yourself. It may help to talk with someone who knows you well and whom you trust. Journaling your thoughts and feelings can also help. The process of writing things out while you think through them can help gain insight as well as offer you a way to express what you have been holding inside, if talking to someone is not an immediate option or always preferable.
An outside, unbiased influence can be quite useful when processing our own behavior. Choose to move forward. You can spend a literal lifetime living under the guilt and shame of your past. It can become a habit to relive the thoughts and feelings of a particular mistake or time period and the resulting fallout. It can almost begin to be like second nature living with those feelings. When living this way has begun to feel automatic, it requires a conscious choice to release the hold these feelings have on you.
Once you have acknowledged your humanity, attempted to make amends, and done some soul searching, the last step is to choose to release the guilt and shame and actively forgive yourself. When the thoughts and feelings begin to surface, give yourself permission to release them. You can choose a different route. Remind yourself of what you know. One, you are human and humans make mistakes, sometimes big time ones. Three, you have attempted to grow and learn from the experience in an effort to do your best not to repeat it.
Thoughts or urges to continue the cycle of shaming yourself and holding on to guilt may seem to come from out of nowhere and feel out of your control.
There may even be someone else bringing up the past and attempting to shame you. However, you get to decide if you will entertain those thoughts or choose to release them. Actively remind yourself that you can release them and you can move forward. Soon enough, with repetition, you will begin to automatically release the feelings of guilt in the same way that you had previously entertained it automatically. When you give a voice to the thoughts in your head and the emotions in your heart, you may free yourself from some of the burdens.
You also imprint in your mind what you learned from your actions and consequences. Reminding ourselves that we did the best we could with the tools and knowledge we had at the time, will help us forgive ourselves and move forward. If you make a mistake but have a hard time putting it out of your mind, Pickell says to visualize your thoughts and feelings about the mistake going into a container, such as a mason jar or box. Then, tell yourself you are putting this aside for now and will return to it if and when it will benefit you.
Journaling can help you understand your inner critic and develop self-compassion. This can help you identify thought patterns that are sabotaging your ability to forgive yourself. You can also use journaling time to make a list of the qualities you like about yourself, including your strengths and skills. We are our own worst critics, right? You might be surprised by what your inner critic actually says to you. Sometimes it can be difficult to recognize the thoughts that are getting in the way of forgiveness.
If the mistake you made hurt another person, you need to determine the best course of action. Do you want to talk to this person and apologize? Is it important to reconcile with them and make amends? One study found that forgiving ourselves for hurting another is easier if we first make amends.
Ask them to take on your mistake. They will tell you what happened and how they are struggling to forgive themselves. For example, instead of replaying the tape, take three deep breaths or go for a walk. Interrupting the thought pattern can help you move away from the negative experience and reduce stress and anxiety.
The only way to begin the journey to forgiveness is to be kind and compassionate with yourself. McBain recommends talking to a counselor who can help you learn how to break these unhealthy patterns in your life and learn new and healthier ways of coping with mistakes. Forgiveness is important to the healing process since it allows you to let go of the anger, guilt, shame, sadness, or any other feeling you may be experiencing, and move on.
0コメント